A season for everything

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Dear lost, found, claimed, free yet bound child of mine,

We made it ~ today you are 18 years old!

In this family that you were grafted into I believe we have ALL had periods of wondering if we would make it, and yet today is here and you are free.

There are many emotions and thoughts running through me today ~ the image of you the first time I met you, an adorable blond haired, blue eyed little boy climbing into my minivan in a parking lot. I’ll forever remember you buckling your seat belt and then immediately putting on a Batman mask and cape, quietly staring out the window all the  way to our home, a place of respite within the foster care system.

So many memories, remember the day you went and pulled up all the utility flags that had been placed that day in a yard down in the cud a sac!? Or the times you got on your hands and knees to let little Geradaldo climb on your back to get on the trampoline? How about the end of the school year parties, stromboli and that orange salad I sometimes make? I recall one evening holding you in the big brown chair (one of the few times you let me hold you) watching TV thinking my love and arms could finally protect you for good. A mother can dream, can’t she?

We’ve been through a lot over the last ten years. We’ve seen Mount Rushmore, been to an island on the ocean, a farm in Kansas, the cold and snow of Minnesota, the music in Nashville, the heat and humidity of Georgia, and probably a few trips I’m forgetting. We’ve encouraged you to run and wrestle and workout. You’ve made us proud as you worked to overcome so much.

Things have been more rough than maybe either of us expected. I’ve sometimes used tones and words in ways I’m not proud of. I’ve not always known what to do, say, or respond, so I’ve had to wing more than I expected in situations I wasn’t familiar with. You’ve sent words, attitude and items sailing across the room too many times. You’ve longed (all the time I’ve known you) for your birth mom to love, support and protect you as God intended. I get that – despite her role in your beginnings; I believe longing for the love a mom is instinctual and hard to overcome.

This day I’ve been all over the board, from seeing glimpses of your adorable towheaded dimple-faced self in my mind, to feeling bitter and resentful for all we’ve been through, especially these past few months. My heart has felt broken open with love for you today, as well as angry for the rejection you shove our way. Last night I wanted to yell at you and hug you and not let you go. But the time has come when we must, and we will, give you that for which you have been asking for for so long with your words and your actions, freedom to live your way.

This is what I know today ~ you’ve grown a lot from that scared little boy who hoped his Batman cape and mask could shield him, to a young man who knows in the deepest part of his heart that God is his rock and his shield. I know that you know to your core that God has a plan for your life – and that those plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. And I believe you understand that when you call on God and come and pray to him, that he will listen to you. That when you truly seek God with all your heart you will find him. I know that at one point – (maybe three :) ) you have given your heart to Jesus, and this is truth: He will never leave you or forsake you. Never. He loves you. Deeper and wider and more fully than you know.

Know that this family, mom, dad, two great sisters and an awesome brother, is yours. In the eyes of God we have become one. Mark 10:9 says what God has joined together let no man separate. I know that’s referring to marriage, but I believe to my core that God joined us together. “We” (the six of us) were a part of his plan in this fallen world we navigate. It’s hard, buddy…it is. I don’t want to leave a sugary or hard message here, but in an attempt to remind you of the whole picture, I record the good and the ugly…our story is both.

I pray for you as David prayed for one of his sons, that those who come upon you will be gentle with you for our sake. I pray that if you come upon hardship the Lord will be your protector, and that you remember always that you are loved, not for who you are, but that you are.

Love,
your mom

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