It’s been 10 weeks since we enrolled Kyler in a program away from our family, with the goal and hope that he will grow in self-esteem, self-control and move towards healing from his past. When Kyler left, things were pretty chaotic with him, and had been for several months. The counselor who works with him asked us early on if we missed him, I told him the truth – that I was appreciating the calm and peace within our home, as well as the extra space in my mind to focus on other things. He told me we would get to a place where we would begin to miss him…I wasn’t sure I believed that. (I know, ugly, but true.)
Then it happened. We were away for Christmas and as we visited an old western town I was seeing parts of it through his eyes, realizing how much he would have enjoyed it. One day we climbed a mountain – literally – we climbed a mountain, and I knew he would have been excited to do that. I wished he could have been with us, it would have been a good and solid deposit in his “good memories” and “family” accounts.
But I also understand these good experiences wouldn’t have changed him. He would have enjoyed them, just like he enjoyed South Dakota, Kansas, South Carolina vacations and countless trips to Minnesota. He’s had a lot of good deposits, but they seem to slip right through, seeming to leave no balance. He would have enjoyed it, but he still would have come home angry and detached.
After 10 weeks of reports indicating Kyler was daily making very poor decisions in the program, we received a good report the week of Christmas. We read that he actually independently adjusted his behavior to be a part of a group – this is really, really good news.
I do miss our guy. It didn’t take long for me to look forward to our weekly phone calls, and I appreciate the opportunity to email him each week. But in all of this, I also trust that he is in the right place, at the right time, for the right reasons. I am hopeful that there will be a time when deposits are made and actually create a balance within him. In my mind’s eye there will come a time when I will be able to wrap my arms around him, and he will feel it, and it will sink in beneath his skin.
Until that day, I will hold him in my prayers. I will trust that God will grow the seeds that I believe have been planted. I will believe there will be a day when peace and calm will come from within him. I will believe that he can climb this mountain.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.