Looking for Light in the Darkness

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“Have hope, with God all things are possible” This is the text message my husband sent me tonight. I haven’t written about Mister in quite awhile, I’m never quite sure what to write when it comes to him. He’s still in the program we placed him in in October of 2012 and during these sixteen months we have been discouraged a lot. Discouraged by his behavior, his choices, his continued disconnect, as well as the program’s lack of accountability for him and the inconsistent expectations they have (or don’t have) for him.

We trusted the process for a long time. Though we had some concerns about the levels of manipulation as well as behaviors Mister was able to get away with, for the most part we have waited, supported and trusted. Then in November he was moved to a higher level within the program again – closer to coming home with no issues resolved. We got involved on a different level at that point ~ an email was sent to the leadership, a meeting was held and eyes seemed to be opened. Leadership had changed at the campus (we apparently we weren’t the only ones concerned) and yet another meeting was held to determine how to get Mister back on track, a plan was made, a follow-up meeting was held to affirm we all agreed to the plan, an email was sent to us to confirm the plan, and we had hope again. Our optimism was guarded, but it was there. Then the plan fell apart when it was delivered to Mister. A staff member, who wasn’t a part of the meetings, who has no clinical experience, and clearly didn’t understand the objectives of the plan, decided Mister didn’t need all components of the agreed upon plan. I thought I would have an aneurysm last night as I read the email explaining what happened, where the breakdown occurred, and the new plan – which at this point we really aren’t clear about.

Yesterday afternoon Erin and I had driven to Michigan to spend the night with Kevin – what a blessing that Kevin and I were able to sit together to talk and create a response to this mess. Then in the very early and dark morning she and I drove back home so she could get to school – she slept while I drove. While I drove my mind was busy with this situation. I prayed. A lot. Being encompassed in the morning darkness felt so appropriate. Then I looked to the east and a little slice of light had broken through the dark horizon. My eyes and spirit locked in on that pocket of light and I prayed again. Oh, how I could use a pocket of light on the horizon; it has been dark for a very long time.

God has been faithful to provide each next step for us in this journey we’ve been on for the last eight years since meeting Mister. We have been faithful to love him and do all that we can, when we couldn’t do anymore we got others involved ~ maybe I’ve put too much faith in that. I know God is the only one who can heal this boy of all he endured those first eight years of his life, but we’ve also trusted people in a program to do what they said they would do. I’ve prayed, I’ve begged, I’ve fasted, I’ve enlisted others to pray, I’ve been angry, bitter, full of grace, forgiven, broken, on the ground in tears and hands lifted high in praise. I’ve read articles, books and received counseling to understand how Mister is wired. What else can I do? I cry out to God.

I feel overwhelmed in hopelessness. My spirit is low and this burden feels heavy. I have no control and limited (if any) influence over our son right now. (Terminating the program isn’t a possibility due to behaviors exhibited in the program which we are unequipped to manage.) I wish in a way I could wash my hands of this and just hope he could stay in the program until he’s 18 –  then he could just be on his own. But I just can’t. I love this boy. Deeply. I continue to have high hopes for his mental and emotional health. I desperately want his spiritual freedom. Tonight I will feel the waves of darkness and hopelessness – that’s real. Tomorrow I will look to God for the next step. I’ve got to take my eyes off of myself and others and must put them back on God.

What is impossible with man is possible with God. Luke 18:2   
This verse came to me this morning and it is what my husband texted me tonight.
OK Lord…I will lean into that ~ tomorrow. Tonight I will trust you can handle the mess of my mind and emotions.

(I read this article yesterday on Reactive Attachment disorder. It basically describes our guy.)

 

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