October 30, 2010 was a day in which I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing someone who was coming up blank. I wasn’t tired, sad, angry, not even particularly empty. Blank is the word that fit. Kyler had had his most violent and destructive rage to date. I was at the sink and just looking in the mirror; thinking about absolutely nothing. It was then when I “heard” these words, “Its almost over.”
I have been beyond asking God for some time now for an answer or an ending. I do ask him constantly to show the next step. These words that floated through my head were something I wanted to grab and claim, but…
We have been as proactive as we can be. We had finally received approval for a full psychological evaluation, the testing had occurred and in two days we were receiving the results. We were hopeful for a new direction in therapy but his being accepted into this practice was contingent on what the evaluation revealed.
I like a plan. (nodding yes right now if you know me, right?!) Get the evaluation 4 Get the results. 4 Get the referral for the new therapist. 4 Get accepted into her practice. 4 Begin new therapy. 4 Wait in hope for new behaviors to emerge.
“Its almost over.” Right. I want this more than anything. For him. For us. Lift Up Your Face keeps playing on the radio in my car. I receive this song as hope. I want to believe its almost over. For him. For us.
Back to The Plan: Get the evaluation. a Get the results. a Get the referral for the new therapist. a Get accepted into the new practice. a Begin new therapy a(first appointment is in nine days) An added step – yesterday we had an appointment with the psychiatrist to review his medications. Based on the insight provided in the evaluation, there has been a change in his medications. (It’s almost over ran through my mind as I sat in her office and listened.)
As we drove home Lift up Your Face played again. I almost cried. I reached over and patted him on the leg. I want to hold him, but a pat on the leg is what he can take in. So this is what I give.
Why share all of this here? I ask myself. The answer ~ I’m a writer; its how I work things out. This blog is to share my journey in this year of wearing the National Young Mother of the Year title, and this is indeed part of my journey. Some of my journey is quite funny, some of it uplifting and good and I promise you – some of it is hard. Is this not true of all of our lives? If sharing in real and raw ways helps anyone else on a difficult journey than I have done my job as a writer.
If its indeed almost over, how awesome to be able to come back here and give God the glory. If its not almost over, then I will still come back here and give God the glory. I feel as if have been in the furnace a few times already and I have not burned up. God’s faithfulness is evident even with the fire still going.
Standing in hope. a