Its been a tough week with the youngest. I knew welcoming this one back two and a half years ago and his adoption at age eleven would present some challenging times. I knew that. I trust that God has placed him in our hearts and in our home. I do.
I also admit that sometimes I am afraid. Afraid that I am not up to the challenge. Afraid that he will never change. Afraid that although God could heal him at any moment, that He may not. Afraid because he has evolved from a boy who cannot be trusted to a teen who cannot be trusted. Afraid that when my heart gets to this place, that it may not find its way out.
Fear. This is not a good place to be parenting from. I know this too. Fear not. Have faith. Be strong and courageous. My help comes from the Lord. Be encouraged. Even this, the Lord has overcome. I know all of this too. I do.
Today I have cried on Kevin’s shoulder, and I have resolved to make a therapy appointment for myself this week. I do not have hope today, but Kevin does, so he will have it for both of us.
When I began this blog last year as the National Young Mother of the Year I made a commitment to be authentic. This post may border on raw, but it is real. I met a woman in Utah a few weeks ago who said she appreciates when I write about the challenges of this adoption. She said I have a voice for the many adoptive families that are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I also recently spoke with a mom who heard from a mutual friend that we have experienced some challenges and was wondering if we could set up a time to talk as they are as well and don’t really know where to turn.
Although I hate these feelings, they are real, and it never occurred to me that others would benefit from these struggles. But if some can benefit from reading about texting, drinking and presentations, and others can benefit from some of our hardships, then it is good to share from both of these places.
Trusting in the Lord and leaning not on my own understanding, this is how I know I will come out of this. But for today, this is where I am.