7 Ways I was Intentional with My College Girl this Summer

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Before Courtney even arrived home for the summer I thought a lot about the fact that she had been living on her own (well in a dorm, but you know what I mean) for nine months. This seemed significant to remember. I knew it was the window I would need to view our summer through. With that in mind, here are seven things I was intentional about as we walked through this past summer…

  • First of all, I didn’t become frustrated by ALL of her stuff ALL over the living room…for days on end. (This was big for me.) Her stuff had made its way from the back of the van to the middle of the living room. Although I was literally climbing over piles, it meant she was home. On day five, I did however tell her it was time to contain the chaos in her own room.
  • I didn’t expect her home for dinner every evening. I would tell her what time we were having dinner and give her the freedom to join us…or not. This seemed like a simple but important way to begin. Most nights she had dinner with us, but I was aware that she had friends, as well as a boyfriend, who may want to have dinner with her too.
  •  I spent time with her. I was keenly aware that this time was precious. In fact, we anticipated her not being home this summer. Courtney had applied for a co-op that was out of town and when that didn’t pan out I felt like I had received an amazing gift of time with her. So, we took walks, sat on the patio, went to dinner, sat on the couch, went for ice-cream, watched Say Yes to the Dress and more! I hugged her a lot…because I could. We spent time together so our relationship had the opportunity to continue growing in a new way. Sometimes I tucked her in after she was in bed and kissed her forehead…again because I could. I knew my days of having an opportunity to “tuck her in” were limited.
  • I didn’t expect her  home at a certain time. (OK, I secretly did, but I didn’t communicate this to her.) She worked full time and was pretty great about getting to bed at a reasonable hour, as well as responsible to be up and out the door on time each morning for her job. I do remember one night though; it was getting pretty late and I thought she should be home. (It’s just a mom thing) I reminded myself that when she was living in the dorm, no one was telling her it was time to come home, and I remembered that she was responsible. I sent her a text to tell her that I was going to bed and that I hoped she had a fun evening. Then I went to bed and fell asleep
  • I expected her to respect us, our routine, and our time. I expected her to let us know her plans and when she would and wouldn’t be home. In turn, I respected her, her schedule and her time as well. She had a full time job and so I didn’t put her back on the chore chart for the summer (possibly to her siblings dismay), but I did ask her to help out when there was a need. Handling it like that seemed more grown-up
  • I didn’t clean up after her or do her laundry. This one was a little hard on me, I like to do acts of service, but I knew if I did too much for her, I could become resentful, which would hurt our relationship.
  • When she asked to invite friends over, I said yes. When her boyfriend was over, we made him feel welcome (so much so that he set the table, helped clear the table and even helped her unloaded the dishwasher one evening). Sometimes it would have been easier to say no to having friends over (I’m not talking about you Phil, you were always easy to have around), but it was always richer to say yes.

I believe the most important thing I did – which really touched every aspect of our time together – was to simply remember that she was used to living independently and that times like this were not going to happen very much longer . I wanted her to enjoy her time with us, and want more of it; I didn’t want her counting the days until she left. I wanted her memories of her summer experience (and of us) to be pleasant. I wanted my memories of the summer to be pleasant, I didn’t want to have regrets.

It is important for Courtney to know she can trust us to grow with her. She is becoming the adult we had been aiming towards for nineteen years, (this is wonderful!!) and so I find myself eager to embrace her more grown-up self. I loved when she was an teeny-tiny baby and I could hold her endlessly, I can almost feel her skin and smell her aroma.  I loved it when she was a little girl and believed her daddy was strong enough to lift up a house. I even loved it when I saw her struggle for independence in those early teen years. And…I love it now. I believe the way I hold her today is just as significant as the way I held her as an infant, as she will learn much from how I embrace her.

Time with cousins this summer

Stop by on Monday when Courtney will share some of her thoughts on our summer!

This post is the second in a series of five. Read the first here.

 

Home for the Summer

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Home for the weekend

Before Courtney returned home for the summer, after being away at college, we were warned that we were probably in for a rough “re-entry” period. I can definitely see some potential land mines in reuniting back in the family home after living independently for almost a year, but I am really happy to report that we had an amazing summer.

I have heard (and can see) that summers, as well as spring and winter breaks, have the potential to leave everyone feeling a little disheartened and disappointed, but this was not our story. I’m not saying we did everything perfect, and I’m not going to tell you to do what we did, I’m just saying I believe we had a great summer because we each did some things with some thought and on purpose.

Courtney and I will write a four part series on things we each did intentionally that contributed not only to our summer, but to our relationship.

Join us here on Thursday for the first post on this topic!

 

My Time with Mr. Trouble

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With Zach and Erin off at church camp this week and Courtney working all day, its just me and Mr. Trouble at home all day, every day, all week. I’m gonna be honest, I was not looking forward to this. In fact, quite selfishly I was trying to figure out if there was a camp I could send him to this week. (I know, real Young Mother of the Year material right there). I was envisioning me at home all day, every day, all week…all by myself.

But I have to say its been a nice week with just him. I am grateful for the time we have had together. When school let out two weeks ago, his spirit relaxed and day to day interactions have been more pleasant. I have him signed up for a conditioning class three mornings a week at the high school and that is going really well. I believe it adds structure to his week, and the hard exercise is probably good for his whole being. I also have him make a weekly chart of daily goals. I think its important for him to set some goals so that he feels like he is accomplishing something.

In errands we have been running, he has been very helpful to me and even expressed gratitude when I bought him a hot dog and some ice-cream the other day. He swept the front porch for me last evening and asked if we could put the clean sheets on his bed together. 

He was working a few days ago with a mentor of his and Kyler told him his summer was going great. When Mr. Carroll asked him why he thought that was, Kyler said it was because Zach was gone, and then added that Erin was gone and that Courtney was working all day. (Now at that time Zach and Erin had been gone 1.5 days, not the entire summer!)

When I told this to my sister, she said, what he really was saying was that he is happy for the time with just me. He just said it without saying it. He’s fiercely loyal to his birth mom and has a very hard time attaching to me, but this was his way of expressing a connection to me without really saying it.
Hmmmmm….

Whatever the feeling, whatever the reason, I am glad for this week. I have shared some tough times here with Mr. Trouble, and so I was excited to share that this week he has been known to me as Mr. Enjoyment.

Another Request Presented

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Our baby girl sat us down for her first presentation the other night. She wants a Facebook, which we have said she could have when she reaches high school (in the fall), but she is advocating for permission to get one now.

So she gathered her thoughts, put together a PowerPoint, sent it to her sister for initial response, and then asked for a specific time to meet with us for her presentation. The more times we go through this process the more I am convinced this is one of the best parenting tools to utilize.

We learned a lot through her presentation. We learned that her strongest reason for wanting to get one now is that she has five friends moving out of state this summer and sees this as a way to keep in touch with them as they each already have Facebooks.We also learned in this culture many invitations happen through Facebook and she misses out on some stuff because of this. Hmmmmm….I didn’t know this.

She walked us through the privacy settings she plans on putting in place – it was good to know she had thought about this part of the process as well. She said she would give us her password, and follow the guidelines we already have in place for her older siblings.

She told us she didn’t need a Facebook to know how many friends she had or if she was popular or not, and that her goal is not to see how many friends she can get. She is so wise. She also said she knows other friends get together outside of school without her so she is prepared to see pictures of her friends together, without her. Again, so wise. Some of us adults would do well to really think about the pros and cons of Facebook and decided if we are mature enough to handle the status updates, pictures and other social dilemmas that social networking brings.

If you have never asked your kids to present their requests to you in a well thought out format, I would encourage you to consider it. We have been impressed each time with how much thought our kids have put into these requests. And maybe, just maybe, its possible that the act of having to gather their thoughts to present their requests makes them more intentional and causes them to think beyond simply getting what they want. And maybe, just maybe, we can be convinced to change our minds.

Click here and here to read more about Presenting Your Request.

Making Room

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Our family has grown ~ it happened while Courtney was at college.

As we were driving to pick her up and move her back home for the summer, I realized there had been much growth over the past nine months. We need to make room not only for all the stuff coming back home, (where are we going to put that futon?) but we are going to need to make room for all the growth as well.

Erin grew into her spot as the only other woman in the house. She became even more helpful, more intuitive, and grew in responsibility and maturity. She grew into herself a little more, she is more confident and carries herself a little taller. Her relationship and even friendship with Zach definitely grew, I see her rely on him in ways she hadn’t before. I have heard them laugh and seen them help each other in new ways these past nine months. She sobbed when her sister and best-friend moved out, but now rejoices as she makes room for her to come back and share her room again.

Zach also grew – he stands not only taller, but sturdier as well. He easily slid into the leader of the pack spot when Courtney went to college. He grew in reliability and strength. His shoulders became broader not only physically but relationally. I saw him use them to allow Erin to lean into him when things with Kyler have been chaotic. I remember one day in particular when Kyler went into a rage, Zach cheerfully said, “Hey Erin, let’s go outside and play catch.” He knew to remove his little sister from the environment that felt a little scary. He has grown in his faith and even in character. Also, in a few short weeks he receives his license and we will need to make room in the drivers seat as we go from two to four drivers. 

Courtney is not the same young woman we left in that dorm room nine months ago. She grew so much this year. She, too, is much more confident. She returns with wisdom and life experience gained while forging her way through life while away from us. She comes back to us with new personal strength as well as cooking skills! (She has requested to make dinner twice this week ~ I’m not gonna kid you, this is an area that delights me!) She drinks coffee now, is used to keeping her own hours, and to coming and going without checking in. She has grown in ways that have changed her at the right time and in the right ways.

Our family is growing, and this must propel us forward. We must expand and widen who we are and how we see each other to make room for all this growth. I will write my thoughts about that next time….

(Kyler has grown as well. To be honest, as I sat down to write this I was discouraged to not be able to measure his growth in obvious ways, but I realize one significant growth area. When we brought Courtney to college, he was not allowed to go with us, his behavior was such that he would have ruined this important and significant day for the family. (It was on the advice of his therapist that we find an alternative way for him to spend that day) When we made plans to move her back home, we didn’t even question taking him with us. It felt good to have our family together that day and so I do measure and count that growth.)

Where’s the Money?

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Field trips are not my favorite thing (this confession brought to you by the 2010 National Young Mother of the Year…just another reality check here on that title), but I do love the 8th Grade Junior Achievement Finance Park field trip. I believe this is the most important field trip the kids in our district participate in at this age.

Upon arrival at Lincoln Finance Park, they receive an envelope which states their life situation for the day. They discover their age, if they are single or married, whether or not they have kids, occupation, annual income, and taxes to be paid. From that information they will set a budget based on minimum and maximum amounts for each budget category, and they will receive many, many options for purchases. Such as for the house and vehicle they will purchase, (along with corresponding insurance). They will budget for clothing, entertainment, a benefits package, groceries, home improvements, utilities and more.
It’s incredible to watch these teenagers struggle to make decisions about which house to buy, how much to budget for eating out, why they cant buy the sports car – because of the need for car seats. In general just struggling with how much things cost. Its amazing to see them grasp what is must be like for their parents as they come and ask for money for clothes, movies, pizza, and more. The realization of where that money comes from was happening.

At the end of the day, with budgets stretched and cutbacks made, the Junior Achievement leader asked if there were things that parents have to budget for that were not on their budget sheets today. Their answers again showed the clarity they had gained….YES. Vacations, birthday and Christmas presents, gasoline to name a few. One kid said that when his parents say no to something, he now understands why.

When I asked some of the kids in my group if they received budgets or allowance, they all said no. When I asked them  how they get money to go to movies or to buy things, they said they just ask for money and their parents give it to them….check back here tomorrow to find out what I suggested to them!

The Power of the Presentation

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Kevin and I received a PowerPoint presentation the other night from Courtney. She is planning her second year of college and wants to move to a new dorm…which will add to the college bill. While she is responsible for a portion of her tuition, we pay the balance, so adding to the bill without a discussion would certainly lead to a discussion!

She texted us to ask that we jump on Skype. Once we were all on, she pulled up a PowerPoint and walked us through each slide. I have shared previously about the process of presenting requests, (see link below) and once again I was made aware of why I think this process is valuable.

  • Articulating what you want is a foundational skill to have ~ in a family, friendship, marriage or the work environment.  Her presentations have always begun with what she is trying to achieve and why.
  • Presenting an understanding of what it will take to achieve your desired outcome is also an important skill to have. This helps you create a plan for yourself, and if it involves others, it shows an understanding of the cost or consequence to them. It has meant a lot to us that she has been able to see beyond what she wants and consider our perspective.
  • Putting together a written plan for achieving your outcome is an invaluable skill. It is what will propel you forward. Her plans reveal that she doesn’t feel entitled to the outcome for which she is hoping.
  • Concluding and waiting for a response is also valuable. Although our culture is an instant, I want it now, I don’t have to wait culture…giving time and space for processing allows for a more thoughtful response.

I am sharing this here because as parents, it is our greatest honor and responsibility to guide our children into being responsible, mature adults. Personally, I sense much of the younger culture feels more entitled, less responsible, more independent but less able to stand securely on their own. I believe our process is a tool we use to fight that.

I also believe this process creates a broader view and understanding of desires and helps our children become responsible for moving themselves towards their goals…whether that is getting a pet, going on a trip with friends, or moving to a new, more costly dorm. As our oldest, Courtney has been leading the way in the area of presenting requests and she has blazed the trail in a manner worthy of following.

So Erin, I know you are waiting for this summer (the summer before high school) to get a Facebook page, but instead of just getting one, I believe you will have to gather your thoughts and present your request.
Love, Mom.
P. S.You’re welcome.

Click here to read “Present Your Request”

5 New Parenting Responses

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Our daughter just went back to college after being home for spring break. The parenting style that was effective when she was a teen living in our home wouldn’t be effective now that she is adult-ish and making her way in the world. So I need to grow with her.

One of the things I love about being a mom is the challenge to keep moving. If I stayed in the same place in my parenting, I would be standing alone. To maintain influence in her life, I need to change and grow as well.

Here are a few of the ways I can measure some of my movement:

1.  Letting her sleep until the afternoon without saying anything other than “You must have been tired” (Compare that to, “Don’t you think its time to get up?”)

2.  Not expecting her home for dinner. The conversation went something like, “What time do you want me home from dinner?” My response was along the lines of, “Well, we are eating at 6:00, but I don’t expect you home. I get that you’re home on spring break and heading out with friends, if you make it home, great, but if you have other plans, have fun!

3. Though she had an interview in the morning and it was getting late, I did not text her and tell her it was time to come home so she would be well rested. I trusted her to make her own decision.(This one was a little harder, but I did it!)

4. When having a discussion, I was very cognoscente that she trusted me to confide in and that I needed to be trustworthy to respond in a way that drew her near, not pushed her away.

5. I didn’t do her laundry. I let it sit all week in her room. I didn’t harp on her all week about this.

I am new to this role of parent to a young adult and since she is the one affected by how I live out this position, I value her input.The night before she left to go back to school, we talked about how the week went. With summer on the horizon, it seemed important to ask her if there was anything she felt that didn’t go very well. What I love is that she asked me the same question.

Although I am confident I will need to recalculate my navigation on this new path once in awhile, for right now I believe we are headed in the right direction.

I love learning from others, what do you have to share about your journey in parenting a young adult?

Intentional parenting…

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…it’s one of my passions. I remember this concept coming into focus nine years ago. My oldest was turning nine and I realized at that point that we were half done with our time with her!

Of course, there is more time than that, but I was going on the expectation that she would be leaving for college and my day in and day out living with her would come to an end. That my day in and day out opportunities to guide, influence, smile at, tuck in, look across the room at, hug and reassure were at half-time. This awareness caused my heart to skip a beat, but it also made me even more intentional.

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking to the MOPS group at Sonrise Church about this topic and I referenced several books we have used in our parenting journey. I am putting this list here and what I appreciated about each one.

The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Kenneth Taylor
I loved that the stories were simple and short, but what I appreciated most were the three questions at the end of each reading. It provided us an opportunity to talk about the story and ensure comprehension.

Sticky Situations – 365 Devotions for Elementary Kids by Betsy Schmitt

We used this book at dinner as a way to talk about topics that we might not otherwise touch on. Our kids enjoyed it when we pulled this book out.

Praying the Bible for Your Children by Heather and David Kopp
Kevin and I continue to take this book out and pray the prayers written in this book. We love that there is an open space for us to insert our kids names into the prayer and that the prayers are scripture based.

An Introduction to Family Nights: Family Nights Tool Chest By Heritage Builders
This was a really wonderful and creative way to begin some fun and meaningful family interactions. So much fun!

Journey to the Cross by Helen Haidle
This is an exceptional resource to use during the Lent season! We have used this several years in a row. We read it at the dinner table and have learned much about the many symbols of Easter as well as some history and context. (I love when I can learn even as I’m teaching!)

Resurrection Eggs – Not a book but an excellent resource for sure! It’s a dozen plastic eggs filled with the symbols of Easter. There are also little stories that explain each symbol. This is when my kids really understood the story and symbols of Easter.

Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell
I attended one of Dr. Cartmell’s workshops when my kids were younger and learned so much! This book is full of great insights and practical family tools. A book I recommend frequently.

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell
If you have not read the original The Five Love Languages book, I would recommend that as well. This is especially helpful for the marriage. (just sayin’)

The current book I am reading and recommending is You’re Wearing That? by Deborah Tannen. I am loving this book because it is providing some enlightenment about mother-daughter conversations. I am sure I will write more about this soon.

Now, something fun! A Give Away!! Because I love to share resources, I am inviting you to share about book or other resource you have found helpful in your parenting journey.
Here’s the deal:
Leave a comment with your resource name and the reason you liked it. If I receive 25 comments from 25 different people, I will throw all of you in a hat and draw a name. If its you, you can pick one of my resources listed here and I will send you a new copy!
Feel free to share this blog with others to ensure we get 25 comments! I cant wait to hear from you!
Resources shared so far by readers:
  1. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
    Because it keeps us focused on remaining non-emotional, simple, intentional – and letting natural consequences, reality discipline do the work. It just makes sense – simple and intentional.   ~ Myah
  2. Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof. …because it talks about how our kids benefit as parents partner with the church and vice versa to make a greater impact than those two influences alone…encouraging for me as a mom to think about how my own kids will benefit as I “widen the circle” and intentionally involve other godly adults in their lives. ~ Deanna
  3. Interviewing Your Daughter’s Date – 8 Steps to No Regrets by Dennis Rainey We LOVE this book because it gives the blueprint to talking to our daughter’s dates about her value and our expectations. This can feel like an awkward conversation, but one we cannot be afraid of having.  ~ Sheri Carlstrom
  4. Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Cloud & Townsend. It has taught me to be consistent without raising my voice, and how to teach my kids that my no means no regardless of their reaction. ~ Janna
  5. Passport2Purity – By Family Life
  6. Parenting Today’s Adolescent – Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the PreTeen and Teen Years by Dennis & Barbara Rainey
  7. So You’re About to be a Teenager by Dennis & Barbara Rainey. The reason I love these resources(#5,6 & 7) is that they gave us a very deliberate time to have difficult, uncomfortable, hugely important conversations that might otherwise be easy to put off until “tomorrow.” For more on these resources, click on “Comments” and read more from Debbie.